As mentioned on several occasions, there is a lot of la rata around here – love that is. It all started out fun, something that was amusing and made me laugh despite how awkward some of my proposals were. Then, it became annoying. Flat out irritating. “Stop telling you love me! Don’t touch me. Can you at least leave an inch of space between us? Sure, I have a boyfriend. Will you leave me alone now? No? You want to marry me. Are you kidding me? You are serious. Iesh! I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU! STOP TOUCHING ME!” A few choice curse words might have been mumbled under my breath as well. It is really funny listening to the girls in my group talk about this. One would think we would all be flattered by all of the attention, but all I hear from the girls in my program is how annoyed they are. It is so hard to please, us women. We do want attention, but on our terms. I am now over the annoyed phase (most of the time). I know just go with it. I don’t even bother lying about having a boyfriend. I could care less; plus it doesn’t even matter if you do. One girl went as far as to say she was married, but he didn’t mind, said she needed an “African husband.” I couldn’t help but laugh out loud. I hope you are laughing as you picture these scenarios in your head. I even laugh at ourselves while we all share stories and complain about how annoyed we are when men won’t leave us alone. The irony of it all. When we get back to the States we are going to go through culture shock all over again, because no one will be paying us a bit of attention. We will probably go through withdraw.
On a similar but more serious note, we had a lecture on courtship and marriage yesterday. I took a couple things from the lecture. First, there are two periods of traditional marriage: before independence and post-independence. Post-independence marriage in Botswana is very similar to that in the USA. Before independence (1966), marriages were still arranged, women were seen as my lecturer put it “baby manufactures” and nothing more, and it was uncommon to know about sexual intercourse. Get this – the married women would stake out by the outside wall of the room where the couple was to be consummating their marriage. The next morning they would evaluate the faces of the couple upon exiting the room. If they were bashful they knew the deed had been done, but if they appeared as nothing had happened it was assumed that they had not consummated the marriage. From there the couple would have one more night to consummate the marriage, or the brother of the groom would come in and literally show them how to do it. Not verbally – physically show the groom how using the bride. I was by far shocked by this practice more than anything. The reaction my class had was classic. Definitely had to be there moment, but I am sure what you are picturing is fairly accurate.
Food for thought – back during arranged marriages days, divorce was basically non-existent. Now, however, divorce is not uncommon. Divorce terrifies me; I will leave it at that. One has to wonder though – why is divorce common now? A few ideas – 1. Pride, People used to be too proud to admit something was wrong. Marriage was something to be proud of and no one would want to admit failure in it. 2. Better communication, (also tied to pride) – since they didn’t want to admit something was wrong they would keep things to themselves and work it out within the family. 3. Laziness, people now are simply put lazy. They don’t want to work for anything. Marriage is hard work, and people do not have the same work ethic as those of previous years. Presently, people would rather divorce their spouse than actually have to work for something.
Then, there is the bridal wealth. (Some fun facts: It is still practiced here. It is typically valued using cattle only in even numbers) I think there is often a negative association to this word/practice. It is seen as purchasing a bride which is degrading towards the woman. A woman is not something that can be purchased. She is a human being. She should be respected. One lecturer turned the whole idea of bridal wealth around on me. Some more food for thought – how about considering it an investment, investing in the marriage? It was common to use the cattle given to the bride’s family to help the couple establish themselves. If you look at bridal wealth from this perspective it doesn’t seem as controversial. Batswana do not like using the word bridal wealth because of the connotations surrounding it. They call it bogadi.
Ultimately, love and marriage are different from la rata and lenyalo. Variations happen across cultures and individuals. Love according to one American is different than love to another American. La rata according to one Motswana is different than la rata defined by another Motswana. Yet, neither one is better nor more accurate than other.
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